Where sex be happy happy

Hey Svutlana,

I have read that 75% of people said that they don’t want their toes sucked. Researchers have hypothesized that toe sucking became popular in the 16th and 19th century Europe when there were large outbreaks of syphilis. Foot fetishes were supposedly developed as a way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases. Apparently, our advances in safe sex are the reason toe sucking has gone out of style.

What do you know of this, Svutlana? Is toe sucking more popular in some countries than others? Do they suck toes in Svutlandia? 


Always on My Toes! (call me Ms whatever you decide to call me)

Dear Ms Toe,

You be right Ms Toe–no hear you too much about toe suck these days, but guarantee me, if you go on any give Sunday for any give park in Svutlandia you see nothing but couples sit on park bench with toe stick inside mouth. First appearance of toe suckers be rite of spring like when see first robin in Oakville (little bit tight ass town on shore of Lake Ontario where Svutlana now reside as sexual spy for Svutlandia government).

We have  fountains inside Svutlandia park for wash toes, and little pots with flavor jelly call “Toe Jam” that park vendor sell for dip partner toe inside before suck. You see, in Svutlandia toe suck be nation pastime, and foremothers and forefathers want for put toe on Svutlandia national flag, but decide at last minutes for put nipple instead because nipple be slight more popular for suck on.

Have me absolute no ideas about you, Ms Toe, but Svutlana always be extreme suspicious about sex statistic unless come from Svutlandia Sex Institute where all sex study be careful screwtinize. Remember study about whether it be better for be slut or stud? Slut-Stud Sex Study be base on sample of 104 19-year-old University of Saskatchewan Psychology 101 student, half of who be virgins. This virgin sample take look at 33 sex behavior and decide for everybody what be normal and what be abnormal. In Svutlandia we call virgins “sample deviations” that must be remove immediate from sex study so as no for contaminate results.

Guarantee me, if give this Saskatchewan virgin sample toe suck for evaluate, for sure they call it abnormal.Unfortunate, most sex study tend for attract virgin experiment error because must draw on captive population of extreme horny, yet inexperience undergraduates. Svutlana say go for WalMart on any give Saturday afternoon if want you for put finger on sexual pulse of nation. Maybe pulse be extreme faint, but at least you find subjects with little bit sex experiences.

All that be said, hypothesis that toe suck be way for avoid sex transmit disease make complete sense for me, although Svutlana wonder about feet sanitation in 16th and 19th century  and how safe it actual be for suck on toe that maybe stick someplace where there be little bit black plagues.

Vice Svutlana have for you, Ms Toe, be complete forget about what sex behaviours be most popular on iSex chart and just do what feel good for you. For some reasons, and have me absolute no ideas why, toe suck feel extreme good. Is as if clitoris be somehow connect for toe via sciatic nerve.

Here be picture of Sting with wife Trudy toe in mouth in yacht off coast of Sydney Australia. See big smile on Ms Trudy face? She even interrupt book read for watch Mr Sting suck her toe. For sure four or five hours later little yellow sign appear on bow that say orgasm on board.

Vice have Svutlana for you and everybody who read vice column be for suck some toe today. Give toe good wash first, then dip in for guacamole or strawberry or chocolate and go for towns. Get you bonus point if toe suck on park bench like we do in Svutlandia.


Maybe you wonder as Svutlana do from time for time, what percentage of womens use sex as weapons. Finally Svutlana find answer:

Svutlana apologize profuse for be away from Svutlana blog for too long. First Svutlana go for Sochi for wave rainbow flag of Svutlandia and compete on Svutlandia bob and sleigh team. We come four times for place fifth.

Now Svutlana be in Crimea. Svutlana start pussy riot with use sex as weapon against Russian aggressions. Maybe one days Putin target Svutlandia that be rich in unnatural resources. Worry me too much for think about this.

Wish you be here…see you too soon.


Warm regard you too much,





from desk of svutlana to justin bieber

Svutlana create these cartoon for warm up because be away from Svutlana blog for too long and use for draw cartoon as child so feel comfort for me. Obvious, Svutlana should no add cartoonist for Svutlana LinkIn profile.

Svutlana return for normal blog operations soon.

Dear Svutlana,

After reading an article in a women’s magazine on how to spice up your sex life, I thought that it might be a good idea for me and my husband of twenty-two years to exchange envelopes containing our sex fantasies. Which we did.

It was a classic case of be careful what you wish for Svutlana because inside my husband’s envelope was the desire to wear a male chastity device, specifically the CB-3000.

Okay. So he’s in the device now. What do I do, Svutlana?

Holding the Key

Dear Ms Key,

Thank you too much for question that highlight what maybe happen when you hand over keys for sex life for magazine that tell you for spice things up but no tell you what for fuck for do when spice be extreme hot. Obvious, whatever be inside your sex fantasy envelope take back seat for CB-3000, Ms Key. Svutlana understand complete because there be nothing quite so allure as sex fantasy with no sex in it. 

For sure everybody wonder what CB-3000 look like. Apologize Svutlana profuse in advances if this image, small as it be, disturb some peoples…

Literature describe CB-3000 device as ‘classy’ maybe because chrome have nice sheen, but look little bit sad sacks if you ask me. 

Some womens say CB-3000 be excellent for husband who be serial masturbator or husband with penis that somehow find its way inside other womens. Most womens say husband in CB-3000 be extreme thoughtful and attentive, but no expect this for happen as soon as you snap device in for place, Ms Key. Take few week for begin for see full effect of husband in CB-3000 who be all rev up and no way for come.

This bring Svutlana for first piece of vice: absolute no let husband out of CB-3000 when he ask for be set free, even if he make little doe eye at you and beg. Whole point for chastity play be for take keyholder role extreme serious and let partner know who be in charge. This no come natural for many womens. Statistic that Svutlana pull out of her ass say that there be twenty submissive mens for one truly dominant womens.

You can learn how for be dominant, Ms Key, but keyhold learn curve be steep. Guarantee me, husband want you for be more strict and adventurous than you think. Svutlana no recommend that right off bats you hold key for six week, Ms Key, but you should absolute no let husband out of device at 11:00 pm on Friday night because this be too predictable. Power of chastity play, like strange allure of Rob Ford, come from unpredictability. 

Guarantee me, most difficult part about chastity play for you, Ms Key, will be for exert full control. Husband be submissive, so he will absolute no tell you what for do, but for sure he has expectation for be at your mercy. You need for unlock your imagination with decide how for use your key. Unfortunate Svutlana can no tell you what for do, but if Svutlana be in your place, she put on PVC corset, get out peppermint foot lotion and ask for foot massage while make out Christmas list.


Burberry mink bracelet be good match for CB-3000

With great power come great insatiabilities.


Results from National Survey of Sexual Attitude and Lifestyle (NATSAL) in Britain be release and everybody in Svutlandia (especial Svutlana) be extreme extreme excite. NATSAL question over 15,000 peoples in England, Wales and Scotland age 16 – 74 and have lot for say about sexual attitudes and practices in West.

You can find details at NATSAL website here, but headline everyone in Svutlandia talk about be how Briton have more vary sex since first NATSAL survey appear in 1990, but less sex overall.


Philosophers at Svutlandia Sex Institute be complete perplex about precipitous drop in sex frequency in Britain over past ten year. Some expert speculate that Britons be too busy. For many peoples, sex be dessert for day that take too much time and energy for make. Must add at least one ingredient for make sex dessert rise and also have for knead. Unfortunate, many peoples can no be bother with optional activity that no be on to-do list and no even qualify as work out.

Other group of theorist (that include amateur sexual theorist Svutlana) think that something happen between 2000 and 2010 for make sex less appeal. Svutlana blame Al Gore for drop in sexual frequency in Britain. Al Gore no only scare everybody (especial those who live on island) with threat of climate change, but he also invent Internet that complete change sexual landscape.

Now almost everybody have option for share bed with inbox, social media and online porns that take little energy for consume and no require cuddles.


When Svutlandia journalists contact Al Gore for comment he apologize profuse for cause decline in sexual activities in Britain and remind us that “sex is a renewable resource”.

Warm regards (and cuddles) for all Britons and Al Gore,

Dear Svutlana,

My girlfriend and I recently started having sex and have had some difficulties. My penis is about 10″ and thick so it is a bit larger than normal, but I thought that would be a good thing. However the first few times we tried, we couldn’t get it in. Now we are able to slowly get it in almost half way but as soon as I start to move in and out she has an orgasm and doesn’t feel like she can continue.

What can I do differently, Svutlana?

Dear Mr Bit More Large Than Normal,

Thank you too much for letter that contain no one, but two medical marvel that in entire history of happy happy probable never meet:

1. Womens who have orgasm when gashooshlank tiptoe half way down vaginal hallway and
2. Gashooshlank that be “bit more large than normal” 

First piece of vice Svutlana have for you be for stop immediate with refer for gashooshlank as “bit more large than normal”. Gashooshlank be LOT more large than normal. For drive this point home, so for speak, Svutlana  prepare special PowPoint presentation especial for you entitle, “How Big Be My Gashooshlank?”

Everybody else can plot where they (or someone they know) be on chart and hopeful feel relative happy about.

Source: Svutlandia Sex Institute Annual Gashooshlank Census

Chart be frequency distribution that count percentage of peoples who be at particular gashooshlank length in inch. If you count range of numbers, you see that over two-third of mens be between five and six inch and 5.5 – 5.75 inch be most popular size. You be ten inch and ten inch be outside range of what be human possible on chart, Mr Bit More Large Than Normal. If you in fact be ten inch there be special place for you in Svutlandia Sex Museum wax gashooshlank exhibit.

Regardless of exact length of gashooshlank, both you and girlfriend be extreme special peoples, Mr Bit More Large Than Normal. It be rare for find womens who both have orgasm with intercourse alone and have orgasm extreme fast. Most time when there be problem, it be mens who have orgasm extreme fast and womens who be sit and wonder why party be over before they even have chance for dive in for punch bowl.

Profuse apologize Svutlana for say, Mr Bit More Large Than Normal, but it be possible that girlfriend fake orgasm when you be half way inside because she be afraid of what maybe happen for her if you go all in. Girlfriend maybe think her internal organs get rearrange with intestines become necklace or vaginal walls get damage like when try for force bit-more-large-than-normal sofa in for broom closet.

You need for ask girlfriend if she be scare and if so, ask her for write for Svutlana.

Warm regard you,


Svutlana write first op-ed piece ever on Svutlana blog because Svutlana be extreme concern about state of cunnilingus brand.

Cunnilingus experience spate of bad publicities that begin when Michael Douglas basical say it almost kill him and continue this week in Toronto where mayor of city say…Svutlana let mayor speak for self:

Rob Ford now be shine face of cunnilingus for world and, for be honest, he no exact be first spokesperson cunnilingus would choose if cunnilingus have anything for say in matter. If Svutlana choose on behalf of cunnilingus, Svutlana pick Ellen DeGeneres for lesbian market and Harvey Keitel for heterosex market.

In response for Michael Douglas claim about health hazards of cunnilingus, Svutlana respond with say that cunnilingus contain vaginal flora that include lactobacilli. Lactobacilli inhibit in vitro growth of pathogenic microorganisms Bacteroides fragilis, Escherichia coli, Gardnerella vaginalis, Mobiluncus spp., Neisseria gonorrhoeae, Peptostreptococcus anaerobius, P. bivia and Staphylococcus aureus. In other word, cunnilingus vaginal flora be probiotic and extreme good for digest system. And in rigorous clitical trial, cunnilingus be prove for prevent scurvy. In Svutlana opinion, cunnilingus belong in diary case beside Chobani passion fruit Greek yoghurt.

It take hundred of centuries and whole lot of porns for establish orgasm-friendly cunnilingus in sexual armamentarium and few months for two silly mens for undermine. Svutlana say for all womens let us campaign on behalf of cunnilingus and restore its good name.

Actual cunnilingus no be good name…there be need for rebrand cunnilingus with new name. Svutlana recommend cunniyoghurt or yogilingus.


What are the top three sex mistakes women make?

You can call me…what the hell!…

Ms Muff-Muffs

Dear Ms Muff-Muff,

Thank you too much for ask Svutlana extreme good but difficult question, Ms Muff-Muff. Svutlana take your question extreme serious and will try for answer for best of abilities.

Wish you give Svutlana five mistakes, but unfortunate will have for work with three…

Number 3 Sex Mistake for Womens: Have absolute no fuck ideas what turn you on.

Maybe you notice that mens have fetish far more often than womens. It be something like 90% of fetish belong for mens versus 10% for womens (this be statistic that Svutlana pull out of ass, but it be fair accurate, if you ask me).

One extreme interest theory that come out of Svutlandia Sex Institute in Pooselicken be that mens have more fetish than womens because mens tend for explore turn-ons like dog explore own genitals (and genital that belong for others). In other word, mens no actual have more fetish, they simple be more motivate for look all over places for find. Vice Svutlana have for fix this mistake be masturbate, masturbate, masturbate until you find your fetish. Like Svutlana grandmother Svutnana always say, if you no have fetish, you no come hard enough.

Try for find at least three fetish so that you have back ups.

Number 2 Sex Mistake for Womens: Assume that unless you look like model on magazine cover you no qualify for enjoy sex with partner.

Even model who be on magazine cover no look like model who be on magazine cover, Ms Muff-Muff, so please no do body mass calculate and count number of jiggle bits and bits that hang down or stick out before decide if you qualify for make happy happy. Most important qualify for make happy happy be desire for make happy happy that come from belief that you be sexy womens. Be sexy womens no mean you be sexual attract for others. Be sexy womens mean you be sexual attract for self.

If no think you that you be sexy womens, consider that Cleopatra, who be most sexy womens of all times, look little bit like Susan Boyle…

On left be coin identify as Cleopatra; on right be womens identify as Susan Boyle. Guarantee me, it be sexual confidence of Cleopatra that make her number one most sexy womens of all times.

Number 1 Sex Mistake for Womens: Accept orgasm-lite sex life.

Oh, if Svutlana have just one mease penny for every orgasm that womens give up on because they assume time run out on them as soon as gashooshlank erupt, Svutlana be more rich than Ms Oprah. Sex no be game of Beat the Cock, Ms Muff-Muff. Play too much Beat the Cock and for sure you lose more than win because cock always have head start on clitoris that take some times for warm up.

If go head for head, 99 time out of 100 clitoris will still be do jump jack at start line when cock leap across finish line. This race no be fair, Ms Muff-Muff. This race be like Usain Bolt versus Katie Couric…

Mr Usain crouch at start line with run shoes on and many fast-twitch muscle. Ms Katie be in high heel with long skirt and small stride. Instead of say race be over and everybody go home when Mr Usain cross line, why no continue for cheer while Ms Katie go in for crowd and interview few peoples and walk sideways along track and turn around couple time before cross line in one hour, 33 minute and 10 second? Race be over when both Usain Bolt and Katie Couric cross finish line. Most time. Maybe Ms Katie be happy happy for interview peoples in crowd and never cross line and that should be okay too, but should be choice and no something Ms Katie be force for accept because race be over before she take five step.

Similar, if you assume orgasm must always happen with intercourse because this be superior form of orgasm as if king be superior form of crab, then chance be you be wait long times for orgasm because majority of womens no have king crab orgasms. One theory be that clitoris be too far away from vagina (particular on tall womens) and that gashooshlank can absolute no provide enough stimulate over long distances (except maybe with Skype). Can try for have orgasm with stimulate clitoris with hand or buzz machine when have intercourses, or can just say fuck it and try for have orgasm other ways.

Speak of other ways, oral sex be most reliable way for produce orgasm in many womens, but believe or no, there be mens in this world who love nothing better than for enjoy nice blow job, but no like for return oral favors one little bit. In this case there be no cunnilingus, no orgasm and big fuck problem that fortunate be extreme easy for solve with simple keep your mouth shut until mens reciprocate.

Maybe you notice how Svutlana stretch number one mistake in for three and therefore make three mistake in for five. Apologize me profuse Ms Muff-Muff, but there be no way for get around fact that there be five top mistake.

Thank you again one time for ask this question, and feel free for add mistake for comment section if think you that Svutlana be miss somethings.


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