Where sex be happy happy

Dear Svutlana,

I hold you personally responsible for what happened to my husband and me last night. Our three children were out for the evening so my husband and I had a romantic dinner and returned home to light some candles and make happy happy in the living room. The doors were shut so the dog couldn’t get in and we were having a great time using the position roulette wheel app you recommended to me.

We were enjoying the standing wheelbarrow and making a lot of noise when I heard a sound. We were not alone! My twentysomething son AND his friend were in the house. They beat it for the exit and I don’t think they saw anything, but this morning my son was looking at me with a strange grin on his face. I feel so unsettled, Svutlana. I don’t know what he heard, but he certainly knows what his parents were doing.

A Wheelbarrow Full of Embarrassment

Dear Ms Wheelbarrow,

First, congratulate profuse on spin wheel with land on stand wheelbarrow that be Svutlana most favorite position of all times, Ms Wheelbarrow. Win Svutlana win be-lay race at annual Svutlandia sex picnic with cover lot of grounds extreme fast in this position.

Reggie and Betty from Archie comic demonstrate stand wheelbarrow below:

It be impossible for do stand wheelbarrow with no make single sounds, Ms Wheelbarrow. Laugh be most common sound associate with stand wheelbarrow, especial when try for get in for position. Run shoes beside couple indicate that this be athletic position that require fair amount of strength for suspend disbelief.

All that be said, am no exact sure how Svutlana be responsible for peoples who hear you make happy happy, Ms Wheelbarrow. If Svutlana be in house and provide fuckcilitation with encourage you for spin wheel and make loud noise when get in for positions, then yes, Svutlana be person direct responsible. Fuckcilitation be service Svutlana provide, if anyone be interest, but in this case, Svutlana simple plant idea inside your mind for spin happy happy roulette wheel that you can purchase with app or make yourself with draw from hat one of positions you find here…


It seem for me that son be proud of you and husband for make happy happy and this be why he grin. He probable brag for friends that parents get on it with make loud noises in live room after twentysomething year of marry and he hope he do same when he be your age. You, on other hands, be unsettle with embarrass. Need you for get for fuck over this, Ms Wheelbarrow. No do you anything wrong and nobody see anything that traumatize them except what you see inside your head.

Svutlana vice for you be for light candles next Saturday night, return for live room and spin wheel again one time, Ms Wheelbarrow. All sex accidents demand that you return for accident scene and recreate with outcome you desire as soon as possible so you no become sex phobey. If can absolute no clear house out, recreate scene inside mind many times over. Svutlana vice be base on principle of classical sex conditions that be main construct for Svutonomic theory.

Theory state, and quote me that “Any happy happy experience that be associate with strong emotion (especial negative) always result in conditions”.

Vice have Svutlana for everybody be for always recondition response immediate after sex accident and be careful for manage all strong negative emotion that in some unfortunate case lead for missexthropy where you want for fuck somebody you no like one little bit.

Warm regard you too much!




Dear Svutlana,

Is it ever appropriate to thank someone for sex?

Miss Manners

Dear Miss Manner,

Thank you too much for give Svutlana rare sexual etiquette question. When Svutlana meet somebody for first times, always ask me this question: What be your number one sex peeve? For some reasons, many peoples refuse for answer Svutlana (and some no be extreme nice about) but peoples who do be kind enough for answer this research question usual say, “No like me one little bit when sex partner say ‘Thank you’ after make happy happy.”

Svutlana can complete understand urge for say thank you after make happy happy because most peoples be condition for say thank you when somebody do something nice for them like open door or serve pumpkin latte or help with orgasm. Svutlana often want for exclaim THANK YOU! in capital letter after happy happy, but always try for suppress.

Svutlana can also understand urge for get mad when somebody say thank you after sex. Thank you be mundane expression that peoples use with no think many time each day and it seem for imply that happy happy be all about person who say ‘Thank you’ and other person simple be there for serve it up.

One womens tell Svutlana she feel like whore when boyfriend say thank you after happy happy. Svutlana ask this womens: “What be wrong with feel like whore?” Svutlana recommend that couple with bore sex life invite whore in for bedroom, so for speak, with make sex in for monetary transaction. From time for time, Svutlana ask for Monopoly money for sex because add little bit spice for happy happy when Svutlana become board game whore from Baltic Avenue. And when use Monopoly monies, can be extreme expensive whore with charge $15,140 that be entire contents of Monopoly bank.

Where be me?

Vice Svutlana have for everybody be never say thank you after happy happy. Instead do what Svutlana do and plan in advances how for express creative gratitudes. Can prepare cue card for make short toastmaster speech if wish, or can write note for leave behind.

Here be actual Svutlana note that use on recent occasion (write note on blank card–cream colour stationery be classiest–and slip under pillow like teeth fairy):


In Svutlandia, we call this bang-you note. It always be most appreciate for receive bang-you note immediate after happy happy so can paste in for happy happy scrapbook with other bang-you notes and happy happy mementoes. Can re-read bang-you notes from time for time so can feel good about accomplishments and look for recur theme so can continuous improve.

For me, happy happy be feel-good journey of continuous improve, and Svutlana be most grateful for share this journey with you.

Thank you too much,

Svutlana xoxo

p.s. If you draw blank for bang-you note and have absolute no fuck ideas about how for express thanks, Svutlana have template for you…





Dear Mr Jian,

Svutlana already write letter for you in which draw conclusion that you have big fuck problems, but now that there be lot more informations available Svutlana can no help but add postscript.

Your sex life be textbook case of sex that no be happy happy. Svutlana no want for add for commentary on your painful sad sex life and would rather leave your case for police department in hope that justice be serve. In story that have many surprise and disturb elements what surprise me most of all be that you show CBC executives video of your sex life in hope that this is some way will exonerate you and normalize your behaviour.

CBC executives take one look at your video and fire you immediate.

What for fuck you think, Mr Jian? Svutlana make happy happy last night and think for self: what if Svutlana, rather than present latest forecast for big drugged company, decide for present video evidence of sex life instead so that members of Executive Committee can get for know Svutlana little bit more better?


Svutlana think about this for long times. Think about selection of best unmentionables from underwear drawer, camera angles that flatter and nice Lana Del Ray soundtrack that hopeful add hint of noir. But no matter how Svutlana dress it up, for sure there be things that disturb Executive Committee, like moment of orgasm that sound as if Svutlana be laugh hearty at some cosmic joke.

Nobody should have for see this and nobody ever will. And hopeful Mr Jian video no land on YouTubes where for sure everybody get for see that “consent” sex with Mr Jian look lot like elevator ride with Ray Rice.


Dear Svutlana,

It takes me at least thirty minutes to climax with my husband during sex! Is there anything I can do to move things along, Svutlana? It seems my husband can come in thirty seconds…I’m jealous!

In a rush for a rush

Dear Ms Rush,

Thank you too much for your time-honour question, Ms Rush. You say it take thirty minute for climax with your husband and you want for move things along. Thirty minute no be long times for orgasm when you consider that it take 33 minutes for cook froze pizza and rough sixty minute for watch episode of Good Wife.

Why you want for rush, Ms Rush? Have you more better things for do than make happy happy or do you simple want for set personal best record? Orgasm come when it come. Fact that it be both capricious and labyrinthine be beauty and mystery of female orgasm. If you have orgasm thirty seconds after clock strike eleven first Tuesday night of every month, everybody gather around Old Faithful and pay for see you gush, but guarantee me, you no enjoy orgasm half as much as when it take sweet times and sneak up on you.

Female orgasm involve little bits engineer and little bits orienteer, Ms Rush. First husband must find clitoris. This no be as easy as sound. Guarantee me, if you ask husband he tell you that he think for sure you move clit around like you do with his car keys. When he final locate clitoris he need for figure out what for do with it and what work last times no necessary work this times.

Clock continue for tick tick tick while husband perform assort experiments on your clitoris and your orgasm no mind one little bit for make you wait. You wait and wait and all of sudden orgasm appear out of nowheres. Orgasm pounce on you when you least expect and probable when you think about something you wish no push you over orgasmic cliff like cashier at grocery store who be in middle of change genders so you wonder if your fantasy be homosexual or heterosexual, or you climax when think about mens at gym who ride stationary bike and cheer last weekend NFL football highlights like they be live events.

Please enjoy journey of 140 steps and no worry about finish time. Like we say in Svutlandia…


Please no rush, Ms Rush.



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